A New Beginning

Give my new blog a new kick!
http://1234candiesavenue.blogspot.com/

You're in my mind, you're in my heart

I don't know why just seeing photos can actually put me off this bad. Its true what people say picture speaks a thousand words, and in my case, it tears my heart into thousand pieces. Honestly i haven't feel this 'disabled' and vulnerable before. I mean, i actually cried just looking at it and how silly.

Sometimes you never know but the person you love the most can turn out to be the person who hurt you the most. I often asked myself what did I do to deserve that but since it already happened, i just have to accept it and get on with my life, right?

Its funny how i sound so emotional and helpless in one paragraph and be the strong girl again the next. And its funny how one moment i feel like this is the end of the world, but feel like its actually a fresh start the next moment. I guess that's just how life goes. I will try to turn things around and hopefully each day will be better than the previous one. I know its easier said than done, but who says life's ever easy?

A famous quote from a famous person, "When life gets sucky, you just have to suck it up."
Ha ha oh well. My life's never going to be the same anymore and no matter what, i have to learn how to accept changes because really, only through adapting you will pull it through, and of course with the people of your life.

I have been doing a lot of reflection and from today onwards, I have decided to omit the word 'heartache' from my dictionary. I mean, when we see things from the brighter side, we will find out that those are the steps we take to be a better person. We shouldn't be totally dependent on others but sometimes we just forget about it and we fall deep into the trap again. Sometimes things happen when you least expect them and you got hurt by the person you love dearly but you just gotta swallow it and learn to let go. I guess that's just how life can be.

And you, maybe i also have to learn that things already change between us and i hope you're happy with your life. You taught me that life is never a fairytale and thank you for that. I think its time I get on with my life, and leave you behind. But you know i'm going to miss you real bad.

"When life gives you a lemon, you make a lemonade out of it"

Love - it’s when you feel safe, just being in the person’s arms and that feeling you get when you kiss them. It’s after you’ve had a bad day, and that person is the first person you want to talk to, and when you have good news, they’re the first person you want to tell. It’s thinking about them just when you wake up, and when you go to bed at night, they’re the last thing on your mind. Its when time seems to fly by too quickly when you’re together and you never want to go. Its when no one else can hurt you more, but no one else can make you happier at the same time.

http://www.runawaytrain.tumblr.com/

I just made the stupidest mistake ever

I know. I know. I know. I know.
I know i'm not supposed to be so selfish.
I know i'm not supposed to feel this way.
I know i'm not supposed to treat everything as if it was last year.
I know things and circumstances have changed.
I know everybody around me changes, some for the better, others for the worse.
I know some people find changes in me as well.
I know i'm supposed to be a little more mature than this.
I know if i lose grip i'd end up like this.

I'm sorry for feeling so selfish, i know its selfish thats why i don't mention what. But i can't help but feel this way. This, is beyond comprehension. I can't even understand myself

Firstly, i know you have NO whatsoever paper tomorrow and you're enjoying your damn pretty life right now but please stop talking about it, can? Did I tease you when you have papers the next day and i didn't? Screw you.

Secondly, I'm messed up enough i don't need you to add olive oil to the fire and what's wrong with you do you need to SCREAM that way to me? You think i like it that this has to happen this way?? HEY, what did I do, that makes it necessary for you to put on caps lock with exclamation marks all over???

Thirdly, you goddamn know i don't want to talk about this right now BECAUSE HEY DONT YOU KNOW I'M STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF MY O LEVEL ARE ALL OF YOU UNITED TOGETHER PLANNING TO SCREW MY O LEVEL FOR ME HUHHHHHHHH? CANT YOU DAMN BLOODY WAIT UNTIL ITS ALL OVER??

Fourthly, this is like, the thousandth times i'm asking you the same question and you just refuseeee to answer me. CAN U GV ME AN ANS OR NOT? do you think i have nothing better else to do than just sit here and wait for your answer? Go eat your own shit.

Why is the world so annoying today? Or am i just being a sensitive bitch? I don't know screw it. Screw geog. I just feel like lying on my bed and die peacefully. I think its me. I think i just screwed myself.

Thanks A for cheering me up(althou i'm different now yea)
Thanks MTHC for...everything :) iloveyou

It just gets harder and harder each day

Maybe i should just suck it up.

Today is never the best day. But i feel a whole lot better after spilling out all my emotions, although i was alone. I can't keep them inside of me anymore it was just so so hard. Even my closest girls dont know what i'm going through because i think its time i face things myself not just to complain and ramble to my friends. It felt good crying out loud, although i still feel painful inside. There are so many things happening in my life, in the most crucial part of my life right now, while i'm still having my O level. I dont know why the more i try to be strong the more unfair things get. I never can cry openly because i don't stay alone and i have to look like i'm fine all the time. But the loneliness allowed me to spill out everything and for once i'm thankful that i was alone. I didn't know it was going to be so tough. Is it because i refuse accept changes or that...what? Is it just me?

arwin i'm really sorry i hung up the call and sorry for making you wait until you fell asleep. i'm sorry.

What happen to blogger why is it so ugly.

OK anyway these few days i've had my fun and joy now its time to get back to reality. I'm still in the midst of O level haha so okkkk i'm gonna study geog today my aim is to finish food and development and know every single thing about it haha okkkk.

I think there's some major change in my plan i'm gonna ask my parents and see how they think about it. :):) Maybe this one's better though.

Today i learn that for every single thing that i do, the process is more important than the result. Because that's when we learn the most out of the experience. :)

I don't feel good after the scary taxi ride. Stef isn't here so i'm wondering if she has collapsed? Better give her a call. Oh she's in the toilet. That's the princess warrior. Very slow but steady.

We were outside Cineleisure waiting for taxi and this man just walked past me and exhaled 24dm^3 of smoke right to my face i was so so so disgusted. And everybody there seemed to have a stick between their fingers. Just so you know, yuck ew hoek.

Maybe i shall sleep and forget about everything.
Maybe when i wake up tomorrow, i'll forget everything.
Like, every single thing. Including screwing up my O level real bad. And...you.

every atom of me, is missing you

gw nga tau gimana ngejelasin nya tapi kok rasanya sesak banget pas gw sadar kalo kayaknya gw masih suka sama loe dan parahnya lagi gw nga tau mau ngapain soalnya gw nga bisa ngapa2in dan kita emang cuma bisa jadi temen kan tapi kenapa susah banget buat gw untuk nerima semua ini kenapa gw masih suka nangis kalo inget2 dulu, kenapa gw masih bisa sedih banget tiap kali loe ngomong tentang dia? bukannya seharusnya gw uda kebiasaan sekarang dan gw uda harus bisa terima ini sekarang tapi ngak. kenapa rasanya...ngak enak banget? gw tau, tau banget kalo kita itu emang cuma sebatas teman dan selamanya bakal jadi cuma teman tapi kenapaaa, selalu aja gw ngeharapin loe and kangen sama loe. gw masih bisa senyum tiba2 kalo mikirin loe dan dulu, tapi juga nangis tiba2 kalo gw sadar gimana loe uda jadi milik orang lain. kadang2 gw mikir, kalo kita ngak pernah ketemu, kalo kita nga pernah kenal, kalo lu nga pernah ada di hidup gw, mungkin hidup gw bakal jadi beda banget dari sekarang. lebih indah dan lebih jelek juga. mungkin lu nga pernah sadar dan nga bakal pernah tau segimana senangnya gw waktu lu perhatian sama gw dan segala hal yang lu lakuin buat gw. dan mungkin juga lu nga bakal pernah sadar segimana kesel, sedih dan kecewa nya gue pas loe lebih membela cewek itu dari gw, dan loe nga jaga perasaan gw. kadang2 gw ngerasa lu itu orang yg paling menyebalkan seumur hidup sepanjang masa, tapi lu juga satu2nya orang yg bisa buka mata gw, ngajarin gw buat jadi dewasa dan juga ngajarin gw untuk sayang dan ngehargai orang. mungkin terlalu kelebihan dan palsu kalo gw bilang gw cinta sama lu, tapi gw yakin seyakin yakinnya kalo gw itu sayang sama lu. sayang yang dari dulu nga pernah berubah. dulu, lu selalu orang yang bisa gw percaya dan gw tergantung sama lu. gw bisa cerita apa aja ke lu kapan aja, dan mgkn lu ngak sadar, ngedengerin gw sampe lu ketiduran itu hal termanis yg seseorang pernah lakuin buat gw. dan lu tau, waktu kita 'fakum' dan sama sekali kayak orang asing, nga bohong, dunia gw kayak terbalik dan gw nga tau mau ngapain, except scroll up and down screen msn gw berharap lu bakal ngomong sama gw dan kita bakal jadi kayak dulu lagi. sejak pergantian tahun gw uda sadar kalo kita emang nga bakal bisa jadi kayak dulu lagi. gw emang tau kalo semuanya uda berubah. tapi gw masih nga bisa terima dan sampe sekarang, sejujurnya, gw masih nga bisa terima. gw kangen banget masa2 waktu kita bisa ngomong sampe jam 4 pagi, waktu lu nyanyi di telepon, dan gw kangen rasanya berbunga2. ya mungkin skrg kita emang masih teman, tapi lu sadar nga sih, hal2 yg kita omongin uda terbatas banget dan sekarang uda nga ada lagi hey kita ngomong dari sore sampe pagi. dan nga ada lagi acara webcam karna gw lagi frustasi trus lu mau cheer me up. karna mgkn posisi itu uda diisi sama orang lain, yang jauh lebih pantas untuk lu.

more than just a pretty face

Ever have that one person in your life that you just can’t give up on; the one person who can screw you over and over, time after time, yet you always seem to give them another chance? And no matter how many times you say this is the last one, you know that’s a lie because there’s always just one more chance waiting for them. The one person you know you’re better off without but yet you can’t find a way to let them go because deep down inside, you wouldn’t know what to do without them. The one person you know who doesn’t deserve you, but yet you choose to over look it because you love him.

http://runawaytrain.tumblr.com

I have.

Kepada kamu,
Dengan penuh kebencian.

Aku benci jatuh cinta. Aku benci merasa senang bertemu lagi dengan kamu, tersenyum malu-malu, dan menebak-nebak, selalu menebak-nebak. Aku benci deg-degan menunggu kamu online. Dan di saat kamu muncul, aku akan tiduran tengkurap, bantal di bawah dagu, lalu berpikir, tersenyum, dan berusaha mencari kalimat-kalimat lucu agar kamu, di seberang sana, bisa tertawa. Karena, kata orang, cara mudah membuat orang suka denganmu adalah dengan membuatnya tertawa. Mudah-mudahan itu benar.

Aku benci terkejut melihat SMS kamu nongol di inbox-ku dan aku benci kenapa aku harus memakan waktu begitu lama untuk membalasnya, menghapusnya, memikirkan kata demi kata. Aku benci ketika jatuh cinta, semua detail yang aku ucapkan, katakan, kirimkan, tuliskan ke kamu menjadi penting, seolah-olah harus tanpa cacat, atau aku bisa jadi kehilangan kamu. Aku benci harus berada dalam posisi seperti itu. Tapi, aku tidak bisa menawar, ya?

Aku benci harus menerjemahkan isyarat-isyarat kamu itu. Apakah pertanyaan kamu itu sekadar pancingan atau retorika atau pertanyaan biasa yang aku salah artikan dengan penuh percaya diri? Apakah kepalamu yang kamu senderkan di bahuku kemarin hanya gesture biasa, atau ada maksud lain, atau aku yang-sekali lagi-salah mengartikan dengan penuh percaya diri?
Aku benci harus memikirkan kamu sebelum tidur dan merasakan sesuatu yang bergerak dari dalam dada, menjalar ke sekujur tubuh, dan aku merasa pasrah, gelisah. Aku benci untuk berpikir aku bisa begini terus semalaman, tanpa harus tidur. Cukup begini saja.

Aku benci ketika kamu menempelkan kepalamu ke sisi kepalaku, saat kamu mencoba untuk melihat sesuatu di handycam yang sedang aku pegang. Oh, aku benci kenapa ketika kepala kita bersentuhan, aku tidak bernapas, aku merasa canggung, aku ingin berlari jauh. Aku benci aku harus sadar atas semua kecanggungan itu…, tapi tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa.

Aku benci ketika logika aku bersuara dan mengingatkan, “Hey! Ini hanya ketertarikan fisik semata, pada akhirnya kamu akan tahu, kalian berdua tidak punya anything in common,” harus dimentahkan oleh hati yang berkata, “Jangan hiraukan logikamu.”

Aku benci harus mencari-cari kesalahan kecil yang ada di dalam diri kamu. Kesalahan yang secara desperate aku cari dengan paksa karena aku benci untuk tahu bahwa kamu bisa saja sempurna, kamu bisa saja tanpa cela, dan aku, bisa saja benar-benar jatuh hati kepadamu.

Aku benci jatuh cinta, terutama kepada kamu. Demi Tuhan, aku benci jatuh cinta kepada kamu. Karena, di dalam perasaan menggebu-gebu ini; di balik semua rasa kangen, takut, canggung, yang bergumul di dalam dan meletup pelan-pelan…

aku takut sendirian.

This piece is awesome. It touched my heart and when i read it, each sentence just felt so right, because, that was what i went through. Well, most of them. :)


The thing with writing about love, susah banget menulis tentang cinta tanpa kelihatan dangdut, corny atau downright menya-menye. Gw ngak mau nulis surat cinta seperti mbak mbak ato mas-mas pembantu rumah: "Kalau kamu madunya, aku lebahnya.." Hoek. Atau, "Kalo kamu jadi kumbang, aku jadi sepedanya.." Double Hoek.

For me, what I have with you now,
lebih dari analogi yang melibatkan serangga.

http://radityadika.com/

I just discovered something and ouch i think it hurts

a little bit.

my definition of love is not in your dictionary

Marcus: Kmrn halloween lu ngapain aj?
Candies: Ya belajaaaar! Ngapain lagii!
Marcus: Kasian deh lo.
Candies: Ntar deh taon depan. Lagian nga tau jg mau jadi apa.
Marcus: Errr...suster ngesot aja. kan cocok tuh sama lu. *ketawaketiwi*
Candies: HEH ngesot ngesot. muka gw terlalu imut buat jd suster ngesot.
Candies: emang kl gw suster ngesot lu apaan?
Marcus: *diem*
Marcus: babi ngepet hehe
Candies: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Dan sampe sekarang gw masih ketawa terbahak-bahak.