Journal de la vie extraordinaire

Why don't things get better? Or is this all up to me to choose whether I can be happy or continue being sad? I keep thinking of what should I amend to make things better. Or is this the best and I just have to get on? Does life really goes on or is it up to me to decide to go on or stop?

The fact that I used to be so reliant and dependent to someone keep me from making decisions. Important decision in life. I was so used to listening to your decision and think that they were the best, now I find myself comtemplate a lot.I find it hard to do my best because of my mentality of 'noone will be there to say 'I'm so proud of you''.

Maybe its you, who made me think that I'm so worthless. Maybe its you, that made me asked myself what's so bad in me that you had to actually do what you did. I don't know what I'm even feeling. Or do I actually know but I choose not to acknowledge because its too much pain for me to just talk or think about it?

I don't know what's keeping me from moving on. It is 99% hopeless and futureless but why do I decide to keep counting on that pathetic 1% and hope that it might somehow defeat the 99%. I hate to disappoint people and not doing my best. I asked myself why I refuse to alight from this train of thought and hey, who knows which other train I'll be hopping on to. Why do I sound so emoish, when I have so many chances to smile and live life to the fullest.

We are not born to be perfect. People make mistakes in life. But they move on, and they learn from their mistake. Isn't it the whole concept of becoming mature? You are not a mistake in my life. My mistake was to assume that you're a mistake. You probably don't understand. I don't blame you for my own childishness. I won't.

People keep telling me that its no use of thinking about this and I should totally forget about it. And they keep asking me why am I so sad and bothered when my life is perfect. It isn't as perfect as it seems to be. I do have things in me that I want to change so badly. I do have mistakes along the way that I wished had never happened. Simple things such as doing my work half-heartedly and procastination that I can't cure. Oh well, I don't want a Barbie's life so I should be thankful for what I have and I gotta learn. What is there to learn and motivate if your life is perfecto?

I don't know why I am posting this because I think this is really inappropriate. I should keep this to myself or my close friends. But I guess blogging about this, makes me feel better.